Because no one else cares but me, I'm moving the website. Follow this link to go to the new Purple Jesus Diaries website.
No particular reason, but rather because Jesus says so.
3.17.2009
Moving Day!
Because no one else cares but me, I'm moving the website. Follow this link to go to the new Purple Jesus Diaries website.
No particular reason, but rather because Jesus says so.
3.13.2009
Point/Counterpoint with ... Carl Eller
Point … A representative from MADD
“Let’s make this quite clear up front; there shouldn’t even be a counterpoint to whether it’s ok or not ok to drive drunk. And not even drunk, but even mildly intoxicated. In fact, if you’ve even had one drink and are behind the wheel of a car, driving, then you are a horrible person and God will be your judge. It is the single most irresponsible thing that another human being can do, risking the lives of others by driving while impaired. It has the potential to do devestating harm to the individuals self, to their family, and to all of the other lives that they may affect. It is just disgusting to even think about someone deciding to take that course of action. Every single one of those people that drive while drunk behind the wheel should be tied to a chair and placed in front of a barreling train to await their imminent death, knowing that there is nothing that they can do, because one other person is being irresponsible. It’s just disgusting. I hope all offenders burn for their sins.”
“Let’s make this quite clear up front; there shouldn’t even be a counterpoint to whether it’s ok or not ok to drive drunk. And not even drunk, but even mildly intoxicated. In fact, if you’ve even had one drink and are behind the wheel of a car, driving, then you are a horrible person and God will be your judge. It is the single most irresponsible thing that another human being can do, risking the lives of others by driving while impaired. It has the potential to do devestating harm to the individuals self, to their family, and to all of the other lives that they may affect. It is just disgusting to even think about someone deciding to take that course of action. Every single one of those people that drive while drunk behind the wheel should be tied to a chair and placed in front of a barreling train to await their imminent death, knowing that there is nothing that they can do, because one other person is being irresponsible. It’s just disgusting. I hope all offenders burn for their sins.”
Counterpoint … Carl Eller
“Mmm. Let me tell you about one of my favorite things to do; go out to a club, or maybe a night club, kick back enough cocktails so that my vision blurs and my muscle reflexes are slowed and then go hit the open freeways around the Twin Cities. My God! It is breath taking. It’s like stepping out of a hot sauna after a long night of Boon’s Farm and slowly dripping the darkest of dark chocolate over your burly chest and having a young college freshman like it off as she looks into your eyes like a baby doe. Mmm. It doesn’t get any better. Especially during the summer time! Oh yeah, that’s where it’s at. You let the top down, bring another drink for the road and let the wind blow all your cares away. It’s such a release. I don’t know why psychologist don’t recommend it as some type of therapy! Imagine! An entire world where people can whisk their cares and life struggles away on the highway of life, after a few stiff drinks and ass pinches from the last party. What a life! I hope all people get to experience something so grand.”
“Mmm. Let me tell you about one of my favorite things to do; go out to a club, or maybe a night club, kick back enough cocktails so that my vision blurs and my muscle reflexes are slowed and then go hit the open freeways around the Twin Cities. My God! It is breath taking. It’s like stepping out of a hot sauna after a long night of Boon’s Farm and slowly dripping the darkest of dark chocolate over your burly chest and having a young college freshman like it off as she looks into your eyes like a baby doe. Mmm. It doesn’t get any better. Especially during the summer time! Oh yeah, that’s where it’s at. You let the top down, bring another drink for the road and let the wind blow all your cares away. It’s such a release. I don’t know why psychologist don’t recommend it as some type of therapy! Imagine! An entire world where people can whisk their cares and life struggles away on the highway of life, after a few stiff drinks and ass pinches from the last party. What a life! I hope all people get to experience something so grand.”
3.12.2009
Interview with a Pee Paw
Former player and Minnesota Vikings head coach from 1961 to 1966, Norman Van Brocklin has a unique view on the team. What does he think about these new spread offenses and Wildcat formations? What’s changed about the speed of the game? Which current Vikings could play for a Norman Van Brocklin coached team, and which one couldn’t? These are some of the issues he’ll touch on, after we interviewed him from his grave, in the first ever installment of … INTERVIEW WITH A PEEPAW!!
“Phhw, the NFL is a joke now-a-days. When I was a coach it was a real mans game. Ya didn’t have people cryin’ at the podium of a press conference like a school girl bitch that just had her lunch money stolen. No! We played the game like real men! We also didn’t play inside of some condom covered building either, no sir! We played this beautiful game outdoors in the elements, like we were at war! Hell, sometimes we lost some good men even, but no one stopped to wipe their tears up with a tissue, or soak up their blood with a tampon. Never! We’d bite down on our lips and fight through, even if things got a bit hairy. Instead now, ya got men out there running around like some Commie piglet! Afraid to take a hit or give one out! Lay some wood, faggots! Hit something! Bash it straight up the gut instead of prancing around behind your line, you cock sniffers! God damnit, they make me so upset now-a-days. Everyone thinks speed kills ya in this game today too. Well, I’ll tell ya what’ll kill ya … gettin’ loaded on some moonshine with the boys ‘round the fire in 40 below temps before ya play those basteds from ‘Sconsin the next day! WhooWee, that’ll give ya killer hang over! But Jesus, it didn’t stop us! I’d have to hide my flask of whiskey in my coat on the side lines just to catch my hair o’ the dog during the match. Think about it, this pansy league won’t even let ya drink on the side lines anymore! Com’on! At least let me gnaw my cigar or somethin’. Jesus. Phhw, give me one of my ol’ D-linemen any day of the week over some dainty Jew fiddlin’ with the ball and we’ll knock him flat on his ass! There’s some little cock boys out there now, like that cross dressin’ Reggie Bush … don’t trust’em. He spends more time on his eyebrows than he does with his playbook. I tell ya, the only basted out there that could play on my squad now-a-days is that fat som’bitch Pat Williams. He always sounds like he’s drunker’an piss with a beer keg for a stomach. Funny fat fucks like that are always welcome to play for the late, great, Norman Van Brocklin!
Now get outta here, I gotta take my nap.”
Now get outta here, I gotta take my nap.”
3.11.2009
Q&A with ... Brad Childress
Occasionally, different Vikings players and personnel have been kind enough to sit down and answer some questions sent in by fans and media. Today the media has grilled coach Brad Childress on a variety of topics, including the 2008 Vikings season, free agency, and the upcoming draft:
Q: Coach, the Vikings season ended on a difficult note in the playoffs against your former team, the Eagles. Although the team was bitten by the injury bug towards the end of the season, it seemed that more teams were able to focus on the run with quarterback Tarvaris Jackson back in as starter and thusly shut down your offense. Did that affect the teams overall play during the last quarter of the season and into the playoffs?
A: Well, you mentioned a couple things in there that I think are true, yes. We had a couple of guys go down on each other, and that just really sapped our strength, especially late. I remember when Pat was on the bottom of the pile, yelling and screaming, and I thought “Boy, as if this story couldn’t get any more rough”. It’s hard, it’s been hard, and it’ll continue to be hard. But people get excited when you can plug an open hole, especially if it’s a hole as big as one left by Pat or Gus. I think Tarvaris is a bit young still, and not as experienced as some people would like. Sure, sometimes he releases a bit prematurely, but it’s a maturation process really. Everyone learns from their mistakes. Does that happen all the time with him? No. We all saw in Arizona when he scored four times in three hours. I’d say that’s pretty good. And he didn’t even break a sweat. The tangibles are all there, he’s built for the job. It’s just a matter of finishing. And that goes for all of us, all the way until the last gasp.
Q: Thanks for taking my question coach. This free agency has been rather disappointing for Vikings fans. The big upgrade that people were looking for at quarterback materialized as Sage Rosenfels, and although you flirted with former Bengal wide receiver TJ Houshmandzadeh, he eventually signed with Seattle, leaving your team signing only their own free agents back to squad. Does this make your team any better or worse, and what can fans expect this off-season then?
A: Well, free agency is all about value versus need. We’re always trying to get bigger, faster, and better. Sometimes you find something attractive that you want to buy that would fit the right hole. Sometimes it’s too expensive. But if the cost isn’t too high to hit just the right spot, you have to jump on it, hard and fast. With TJ, his price tag was a little high. We brought him in here, took him out for a nice steak dinner, but he just wouldn’t come. We did everything we could; offered more money, allowed him a bit more freedom to try some things … we were basically on our hands and knees. He just wouldn’t bite. So we turned our attention elsewhere. We won’t know if we’re better under we try to perform under pressure, all together, and see who dominates. Usually, the stronger, more determined people get what they want, and I think we have plenty of famished guys looking for a challenge, so we’ll see.
Q: Coach, the 2009 NFL Draft is coming up quick. Many fans are clamoring for a top flight quarterback to pair with Adrian Peterson in the backfield, yet there doesn’t seem to be a quarterback of this caliber in the draft. If the Vikings don’t take a quarterback, are there any other hints of where the team may be looking at in the draft to upgrade the team at all? Cornerback? Right Tackle? Where is the team looking?
A: Well, we’re always trying to make sure that things are set in the back. We don’t want any surprises back there. Even if we did take someone that fit that position we needed them in, we’d probably bring them along slow so as not to surprise them too much. Really, you do that with any rookie. Will we take a quarterback at all? Again, and especially with the draft, it’s all about what holes do you fill. Is there a big one that needs immediate attention? Can you wait a while and reach around for a solution? Do you just grab whatever is available and jam it into the empty spot? You have to be smart about it. We have plenty of open spots to put guys into, so we’ll have to see how the draft goes. I will say that at the combine I saw some hard bodies and I know our coaches are excited to get their hands on them to mold them to our needs. There are just some real good looking boys coming in here, that’s for sure.
Q: Coach, the Vikings season ended on a difficult note in the playoffs against your former team, the Eagles. Although the team was bitten by the injury bug towards the end of the season, it seemed that more teams were able to focus on the run with quarterback Tarvaris Jackson back in as starter and thusly shut down your offense. Did that affect the teams overall play during the last quarter of the season and into the playoffs?
A: Well, you mentioned a couple things in there that I think are true, yes. We had a couple of guys go down on each other, and that just really sapped our strength, especially late. I remember when Pat was on the bottom of the pile, yelling and screaming, and I thought “Boy, as if this story couldn’t get any more rough”. It’s hard, it’s been hard, and it’ll continue to be hard. But people get excited when you can plug an open hole, especially if it’s a hole as big as one left by Pat or Gus. I think Tarvaris is a bit young still, and not as experienced as some people would like. Sure, sometimes he releases a bit prematurely, but it’s a maturation process really. Everyone learns from their mistakes. Does that happen all the time with him? No. We all saw in Arizona when he scored four times in three hours. I’d say that’s pretty good. And he didn’t even break a sweat. The tangibles are all there, he’s built for the job. It’s just a matter of finishing. And that goes for all of us, all the way until the last gasp.
Q: Thanks for taking my question coach. This free agency has been rather disappointing for Vikings fans. The big upgrade that people were looking for at quarterback materialized as Sage Rosenfels, and although you flirted with former Bengal wide receiver TJ Houshmandzadeh, he eventually signed with Seattle, leaving your team signing only their own free agents back to squad. Does this make your team any better or worse, and what can fans expect this off-season then?
A: Well, free agency is all about value versus need. We’re always trying to get bigger, faster, and better. Sometimes you find something attractive that you want to buy that would fit the right hole. Sometimes it’s too expensive. But if the cost isn’t too high to hit just the right spot, you have to jump on it, hard and fast. With TJ, his price tag was a little high. We brought him in here, took him out for a nice steak dinner, but he just wouldn’t come. We did everything we could; offered more money, allowed him a bit more freedom to try some things … we were basically on our hands and knees. He just wouldn’t bite. So we turned our attention elsewhere. We won’t know if we’re better under we try to perform under pressure, all together, and see who dominates. Usually, the stronger, more determined people get what they want, and I think we have plenty of famished guys looking for a challenge, so we’ll see.
Q: Coach, the 2009 NFL Draft is coming up quick. Many fans are clamoring for a top flight quarterback to pair with Adrian Peterson in the backfield, yet there doesn’t seem to be a quarterback of this caliber in the draft. If the Vikings don’t take a quarterback, are there any other hints of where the team may be looking at in the draft to upgrade the team at all? Cornerback? Right Tackle? Where is the team looking?
A: Well, we’re always trying to make sure that things are set in the back. We don’t want any surprises back there. Even if we did take someone that fit that position we needed them in, we’d probably bring them along slow so as not to surprise them too much. Really, you do that with any rookie. Will we take a quarterback at all? Again, and especially with the draft, it’s all about what holes do you fill. Is there a big one that needs immediate attention? Can you wait a while and reach around for a solution? Do you just grab whatever is available and jam it into the empty spot? You have to be smart about it. We have plenty of open spots to put guys into, so we’ll have to see how the draft goes. I will say that at the combine I saw some hard bodies and I know our coaches are excited to get their hands on them to mold them to our needs. There are just some real good looking boys coming in here, that’s for sure.
3.09.2009
From the Book of ... John David Booty
Occasionally, members of the Minnesota Vikings will pass along updates from their own books in the Bible of the Purple Jesus. Today, we have a few verses from the Vikings' John David Booty who shares some of his thoughts on this past season:
Yeah, it’s been a pretty crazy rookie season man. I mean, I get drafted, and to tell you the truth, I didn’t even think I would get drafted, so I was sitting at home with my cat in a bong getting blazed with Leinart who said it was good that I wasn’t getting drafted because he was at the draft once and was sober and had to sit in this room in New York after he was out all night with hookers at some new night club, which I don’t remember because I just love the West Coast night clubs where the party keeps going on and where there are plenty of Latina ladies to get your interest and make your other blonde Carrot girlfriends jealous so they have to go and do something extra like make a run to an In and Out burger at like 3:00 in the morning and then when she finally got back I was like, “That’s not what I ordered! And where’s my chocolate milkshake!” hahahahahaha … Oh man that was a crazy night bro, just unreal.
But then the Vikings drafted me and before I knew it my agent had me signed up for a contract and he was like, “Hey bro! You’re moving to Minnesota!” and we had a good laugh because I was thinking, “Mississippi? I didn’t know they had a football team!” and then he laughed more and told me that it was further north and I got real quiet and had to Wikipedia Minnesota, which is when I found out that the land once was populated by American Natives! They showed pictures and everything and they looked just like the Mexican dudes that I bought some awesome red haired buds from back in 2006 when me and Reggie went to Tijuana for the weekend before our finals, which was hard, because they made you fill the bubbles in all the way, and you couldn’t go out of the lines at all, which was a mess, because I always think outside of the box, man, and think of new ways of doing things, like how you can best use your mom’s Tupperware to blow your weed smoke into and lock it up, just lock it up man, and then use it for later so you can get high again when you don’t have anymore weed. It’s so brilliant, man!
Yeah, the Vikings threw a bunch of stuff at me then and asked me to read this long book of plays that looked like a Magic Eye if you crossed your eyes right but it took a while to see because I can never get those things to work even if I’ve been awake for 38 hours straight and my eyes are crossed anyway? No, still doesn’t work man, no way. I got to meet Adrian Peterson too, who I always thought was fake, but when he walked into the training room he blew me away with how he wasn’t actually purple, but brown, like a human, and not Jesus and … hahahahahaha, no, no, oh man, I’m just kidding man, ah! Oh wow … you completely fell for it. Jeeze! But did you see that playoff game that the Vikings were in, man? It was so crazy, they were like “oh no, we’re down!" and then they were like coming back and I was all like, “oh yeah!” and then Action-Jackson threw that pick and the entire sideline went all “Oh no!” and things got real intense during halftime and into the second half and then that Eagle took the football all the way to the end zone and I was just like …. Whoa. No. Way. That was sooo awesome. But then they said the game was over, man, so that was a bummer.
So yeah, the season was crazy. I’m just glad they gave us a break for the summer. They just burnt me out this year. It was so wild man …
But then the Vikings drafted me and before I knew it my agent had me signed up for a contract and he was like, “Hey bro! You’re moving to Minnesota!” and we had a good laugh because I was thinking, “Mississippi? I didn’t know they had a football team!” and then he laughed more and told me that it was further north and I got real quiet and had to Wikipedia Minnesota, which is when I found out that the land once was populated by American Natives! They showed pictures and everything and they looked just like the Mexican dudes that I bought some awesome red haired buds from back in 2006 when me and Reggie went to Tijuana for the weekend before our finals, which was hard, because they made you fill the bubbles in all the way, and you couldn’t go out of the lines at all, which was a mess, because I always think outside of the box, man, and think of new ways of doing things, like how you can best use your mom’s Tupperware to blow your weed smoke into and lock it up, just lock it up man, and then use it for later so you can get high again when you don’t have anymore weed. It’s so brilliant, man!
Yeah, the Vikings threw a bunch of stuff at me then and asked me to read this long book of plays that looked like a Magic Eye if you crossed your eyes right but it took a while to see because I can never get those things to work even if I’ve been awake for 38 hours straight and my eyes are crossed anyway? No, still doesn’t work man, no way. I got to meet Adrian Peterson too, who I always thought was fake, but when he walked into the training room he blew me away with how he wasn’t actually purple, but brown, like a human, and not Jesus and … hahahahahaha, no, no, oh man, I’m just kidding man, ah! Oh wow … you completely fell for it. Jeeze! But did you see that playoff game that the Vikings were in, man? It was so crazy, they were like “oh no, we’re down!" and then they were like coming back and I was all like, “oh yeah!” and then Action-Jackson threw that pick and the entire sideline went all “Oh no!” and things got real intense during halftime and into the second half and then that Eagle took the football all the way to the end zone and I was just like …. Whoa. No. Way. That was sooo awesome. But then they said the game was over, man, so that was a bummer.
So yeah, the season was crazy. I’m just glad they gave us a break for the summer. They just burnt me out this year. It was so wild man …
What's up with ... the Detroit Lions?
You know what they say, keep your friends close and your enemies even closer! With that in mind, PJD has decided that it may be helpful to keep tabs on other NFC North teams to see if anything of significance has happened. So far … no, nothing, but it does give us an excuse to write about how stupid those other teams are:
So what’s up with the Detroit Lions? Can you be anymore fucked than these guys? I mean, you throw up a donut on the season’s win column, not a game, but for the entire fucking season, and start fumigating the roster quicker than you can dig up Cloyce Box’s corpse to salvage the Rust City mess you’ve made. What a mess! But cheer up, as there is a bright side. Since that pissing contest the abortion that is Matt Millen got hangered straight out of the city, and can now share his wondrous football insight with all of America instead of just torturing your shit-hole city. The worst safety in the universe, Dwight Smith was cut, which has to count for something. You’ve got a bonafide Megatron on your roster in Calvin Johnson, but unfortunately, you still have Carney-hands Culpepper as your starting QB … so … hey, you can’t have your 0-16 season and get laid too, ok? So really, things aren’t quite as bad as you thought … until the boating accident. As if the heartache in your city wasn’t enough, this gets piled on during the most dismal time of year as well. Shit.
But! You have the number one pick in the draft, which could land you either alleged all star quarterback Matthew Stafford, who will undoubtedly turn into the next Jared Lorenzo, or stud linebacker Aaron Curry from Wake Forest, who has never produced a stud linebacker, so this sounds pretty dubious as well. It can’t get much worse though. Lions' fans at least know that Millen won’t be making this pick. Also, there isn’t a top 5 caliber receiver in this draft, so that has to be good news to upgrade other positions on your team. You also kept your Thanksgiving Day game, for traditions sake, although I swear to fucking god if you produce another pants shitting fest I will wish nothing but anal rapings for your entire city into the next three decades. Most importantly, you almost have to improve the 0-16 record. No one can lose 32 straight games in the NFL, can they? At the very least, I am predicting a high scoring retard fest in Detroit next year with Purple Jesus running for over 200 yards, Jackson throwing for 3 INTs after Rosen-copter goes out with a torn ACL, and the long slow march back to respectability begins with a Purple curb stomping.
Keep your chin up!
3.07.2009
Purple People Apparel
Money is tight during these tough economic times, but even the most die hard of Vikings fans will have a hard time passing up these hot deals for team apparel and paraphernalia! At Purple Jesus Diaries, we will often bring you information and reviews on the newest and best team apparel that no team fanatic can go without! 
What do you get for the man in your life that already has everything? A fantastic polo that instantly turns him into the life of the party, that’s what! This short sleeved Hawaiian polo is the perfect solution for the perfect Vikings fan. Be prepared to wear this fetching item during the preseason games in August and under your down jacket during the actual football season. You instantly become the focal point at your indoors tailgating party where everyone will know that you are a proud Vikings fan, not one of those cheese-heads from Wisconsin! And how could they mistake you? Beautifully crafted, this polo is adorned with the famous Viking head logo, as well as the familiar script of the team name. And most importantly, what man would pass up the opportunity to hold your German Sausage in his mouth as the coat tails of this fantastic shirt drape over his sad eyes to hide his drunken homosexual shame in the alleyway behind Wasabi in downtown Minneapolis? That’s right! Imagine the type of cock you’ll be able to grasp with this fashion statement! It will be the perfect complement to your bushy mustache and pedophile eyes, especially if you wear it with a great pair or stone washed Wrangler jorts from Wal Mart. So this summer, work on your farmer’s tan with this fresh item, and feel the tingle in your dingle the minute you catch the fleeting glance from another man in this exclusive Minnesota Vikings team apparel item. Buy now!
What do you get for the man in your life that already has everything? A fantastic polo that instantly turns him into the life of the party, that’s what! This short sleeved Hawaiian polo is the perfect solution for the perfect Vikings fan. Be prepared to wear this fetching item during the preseason games in August and under your down jacket during the actual football season. You instantly become the focal point at your indoors tailgating party where everyone will know that you are a proud Vikings fan, not one of those cheese-heads from Wisconsin! And how could they mistake you? Beautifully crafted, this polo is adorned with the famous Viking head logo, as well as the familiar script of the team name. And most importantly, what man would pass up the opportunity to hold your German Sausage in his mouth as the coat tails of this fantastic shirt drape over his sad eyes to hide his drunken homosexual shame in the alleyway behind Wasabi in downtown Minneapolis? That’s right! Imagine the type of cock you’ll be able to grasp with this fashion statement! It will be the perfect complement to your bushy mustache and pedophile eyes, especially if you wear it with a great pair or stone washed Wrangler jorts from Wal Mart. So this summer, work on your farmer’s tan with this fresh item, and feel the tingle in your dingle the minute you catch the fleeting glance from another man in this exclusive Minnesota Vikings team apparel item. Buy now!
3.06.2009
A Decade of Sausage
With the signing of Jim Kleinsausage to a 3 year deal recently, that means that the husky North Dakotan grad will continue his 10 year NFL career with the Vikings, after he was taken in the 1999 draft. With Matt Birk increasing his chances of getting murdered by moving to Baltimore, that apparently means that Sausage is the longest tenured Viking now. How long? Well, here are some things that have happened during his time in Minnesota:- Brett Farve had just started discussing his retirement
- Mike Tice was considered a viable replacement as a head coach
- Barry Bonds was innocently still hammering away homeruns
- You just discovered your penis
- DMX was still making albums
- You were counting down the years until you could masturbate to the Olsen twins guilt free
- MTV occasionally still played music videos on their television station
- The housing market was on the up-swing
- Britney Spears has gone from tingling genital relevance to a vomit inducing downfall
- Dikembe Mutumbo had his 46th birthday when Sausage was drafted
- Michael Jordan retired for the 4th time
- OJ Simpson is still looking for who killed Nicole Brown
- The year Sausage was drafted was also the last good year of new Simpsons episodes
- They also started adding pupils to the Madden Football digital players, effectively ending the zombie football player era
- Compact Discs were still relevant and exciting
- Jesus was resurrected as an amazing, purple, football player
This of course just scratches the surface, as there were many other things that occurred during Sausage’s time with the team. Perhaps in another ten years we can look back and enjoy another decade of remarkable events!
Fare Thee Well, Douche Bag
So Matt Birk left the Vikings as a Free Agent to sign a 3 year, $12 Million dollar contract with the Baltimore Ravens. I’m pretty sure those are the numbers, but all I did was look at his Wikipedia page to confirm it, so I don’t really know. There are a couple of different takes on this.
The city where the homicide rate is nearly seven times that of the national average and higher than New York Fucking City? That sounds like the exact place to take your four children to … if they’re looking for a good ol’ fashioned raping. Get real. This guy was gushing like a virgin ready to get finger banged on prom night. And he signed for chump change too. Something doesn’t add up about all of this. I think the Vikings were more than happy to get him out of the city … but why?
The other side to this is what it means for the Vikings. Does this make the team better? I don’t know … will we finally have a center that won’t be afraid to get his golden locks in a mess and not be hypnotized by the QBs hands brushing his junk mid-game? If so than yes, this makes the team better. Would I have felt more comfortable if Birk would have been signed back for even less than the Raven’s offered him for his veteran leadership tips in the locker room (you know, like how to hide masturbating in the team shower) and some continuity along the offensive line? Maybe … but he doesn’t automatically make the team better just because his fat ass is taking up space. Seifert made note of this here, with a more serious analysis that, unfortunately, doesn’t make gay jokes.
So who knows. I’ll always think of Birk as the douche bag that drove Moss out of town. So I will never forgive him for that. I also don’t trust our dumbass coach, so who knows if this was the actual right move for the team. And now, if they go ahead with John Sullivan at center, that means we’ll have a guy from Notre Dame starting on the team, which is about as bad as you can get. Fuck Notre Dame, by the way. But how does the Purple Jesus feel about this?:
“Just fucking block someone.”
Agreed.
Yes, that is Matt Birk “blocking”. For all of his Harvard smarts, Birk apparently isn’t aware that you cannot receive full blow AIDS from just blocking a dude on the football field. And my guess is that this is from the 2007 season when the Vikings played the Dolphins, so you can only imagine how much better his blocking got during the 2008 season. Purple Jesus, he’s not even touching the guy. The fact that he was robbing the Vikings salary cap for nearly $6 Million a year the past couple of years is more alarming than finding a two month rotting corpse from an Asian stripper in your trunk. $6 Million?? I wish I could get that amount for not doing my job. If this is all he was capable of at this age (and really, he’s only 32, which is young for linemen that usually exist longer than the Never Ending Story) then it’s a good thing the Vikings let his ass walk, the pretentious fuck. Sorry we couldn’t all go to Harvard. And then he had this to say too about signing with Baltimore:
“…we were just impressed. We were more impressed with every minute that went by … From the moment we got here, it’s just been like a snowball. I don’t know if I can pinpoint one exact moment [when he felt compelled to sign with a team that loves murderers], but I’ve been nothing but impressed. It just felt right. The whole time we’ve been here, it just felt right.”
Common, Baltimore?
The city where the homicide rate is nearly seven times that of the national average and higher than New York Fucking City? That sounds like the exact place to take your four children to … if they’re looking for a good ol’ fashioned raping. Get real. This guy was gushing like a virgin ready to get finger banged on prom night. And he signed for chump change too. Something doesn’t add up about all of this. I think the Vikings were more than happy to get him out of the city … but why?
The other side to this is what it means for the Vikings. Does this make the team better? I don’t know … will we finally have a center that won’t be afraid to get his golden locks in a mess and not be hypnotized by the QBs hands brushing his junk mid-game? If so than yes, this makes the team better. Would I have felt more comfortable if Birk would have been signed back for even less than the Raven’s offered him for his veteran leadership tips in the locker room (you know, like how to hide masturbating in the team shower) and some continuity along the offensive line? Maybe … but he doesn’t automatically make the team better just because his fat ass is taking up space. Seifert made note of this here, with a more serious analysis that, unfortunately, doesn’t make gay jokes.
So who knows. I’ll always think of Birk as the douche bag that drove Moss out of town. So I will never forgive him for that. I also don’t trust our dumbass coach, so who knows if this was the actual right move for the team. And now, if they go ahead with John Sullivan at center, that means we’ll have a guy from Notre Dame starting on the team, which is about as bad as you can get. Fuck Notre Dame, by the way. But how does the Purple Jesus feel about this?:
“Just fucking block someone.”
Agreed.
3.04.2009
My New Favorite Quarterback
Hello friends. I am sure that many of you have heard about what this fantastic Vikings brass did for the quarterback position most recently. Meet my new backfield partner, and the team’s most-likely new quarterback, Rosen-copter:
How fantastic. I’m not even sure with the power of God compelling me that I could get those kinds of lifts. And I’m not sure what is most divinely delicious about this guy, his 62.5% career completion rate or his six to 10 TD to INT ratio last year. *Slow, drawling whistle*. Damn. Watch out Lions, you guys are screwed.
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